How to rebuild a relationship after a communication breakdown
Disagreements are a natural part of relationships. No matter how compatible you are, there will be times when you fail to see eye-to-eye with your fellow human being. When this happens, you’re left wondering:
How can this person’s reality be so different to mine?
Why aren’t they open to hearing my view?
In these moments of dissonance and disconnection, it can seem as if your very survival is threatened. Distrust festers. Tension escalates. And your relationship hangs in the balance. In this article, I share an exercise that I teach my business, leadership and life coaching clients to help you diffuse conflict and repair your relationship after a communication breakdown.
Relationship repair exercise from Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication is a methodology for promoting peace and cooperation. It offers a range of simple techniques to help you build mutually beneficial relationships. The particular exercise I’d like to share with you today is called 3-2-1 and you can use it to:
better understand others’ perspectives
help others understand your point of view
build trust, connection and a desire to support each other.
This exercise is particularly useful in the workplace where people often swallow their problems until they boil over. At this point, relationships between co-workers can reach breaking point. Workplaces that have successfully implemented this kind of peer-to-peer communication regardless of hierarchical status have seen huge improvements in employee satisfaction, collaboration and productivity.
Because 3-2-1 takes 12 minutes from start to finish, it is a useful technique to turn to when tension is high and you cannot bear to be near the other person! However, the best results come from regular practice as you can address small discomforts before they turn into major disagreements. Here’s how you can try 3-2-1 at work or home.
Sit down in a warm, comfortable space with the other person, and explain the process of 3-2-1 if they are not familiar with it. Seek consent to try this exercise together.
Facing the other person, if possible, ask: How are you?
Listen for three minutes while they share how they are in that moment or with reference to a particular situation that is causing tension between the two of you. Listen without speaking, analysing, judging or preparing to agree with or refute what you hear.
When the three minutes is up, take two minutes to share what you have heard with a focus on how they are and what you heard was most important to them.
The other person takes one minute to respond to your reflection. They will particularly acknowledge the moments when they felt understood and the moments in which you inadvertently misunderstood them.
Swap roles.
“How are you?” is a simple yet incredibly powerful question. When you engage in this mutual exchange with the intention of genuinely understanding each other, you’ll be amazed at the shift in energy you create towards a more equitable, nourishing and successful relationship.
If you’d like to learn more about how you can reduce tension at work and foster connection, collaboration and employee satisfaction, please get in touch.
Nonviolent Communication FAQ
-
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is also called compassionate communication or collaborative communication. It is a philosophy that promotes honest and empathetic communication with the objective of improving quality of life for all involved. Nonviolent Communication offers a range of practical and highly effective techniques to help diverse stakeholders achieve more mutually beneficial outcomes.
-
Nonviolent communication empowers people to communicate with more empathy. The idea is that when we seek to understand others and they seek to understand us, we build a foundation of trust upon which we can co-create a more wonderful world. Nonviolent communication involves understanding that our feelings signal whether our basic human needs are met or unmet.
-
Observe: Notice the world inside and around you without judgement.
Feel: Label how you feel in response to your observation.
Need: Identify the precious needs that your feelings are pointing you towards.
Request: Make a specific request that might help you attend to your needs.