The Art of Loving, repurposed

How can you do work you love, if you don’t know what love is?

According to renowned psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, love is the ultimate need and desire of all human beings. Fromm says the ability to love “profits the soul” and is a prerequisite for true contentment; yet few of us understand — let alone have mastered — the enigma of love.

In his international bestseller, The Art of Loving, Fromm proposes that love is an art as opposed to a “pleasant sensation” you may fall into by chance. He says you can master it through study and practice just as you would approach painting, dancing or playing the violin. If you apply the wisdom shared in The Art of Loving, you are sure to enhance the quality of your relationship with yourself and others, and simultaneously create a delightful relationship with work. 

Why would you want a loving relationship with work?

Because you spend over a third of your life working! This means that the quality of your relationship with work directly determines the quality of over a third of your life. But it doesn’t stop there! Just as a heartfelt hug from a lover buoys your spirits and a tiff can bring you down for days, the creative or destructive energy built up during working hours bleeds into the rest of your life.

When you nurture a loving relationship with work, you get to harness your strengths and passions; connect with inspiring people; and make a positive difference in this world. These benefits culminate in effervescent health and happiness.

So, with reference to the principles shared in The Art of Loving, let’s take a look at how you can master the theory and practice of loving your work to create a more fulfilling life.

Distinguish love from infatuation

It’s easy to get swept off your feet by a charming new prospect. When your body is flooded with chemicals that motivate* you to pursue a prospect (whether a person or work opportunity), it’s exhilarating! Your natural drive to seek out pleasure, however, is short-sighted and skewed towards infatuation over love. So, if you're looking for a deep, sustainable relationship, you must be able to distinguish an infatuation with a sexy new industry, intriguing hobby, or sought-after career, from work that will provide you with longer term contentment.

Love is not the anticipation or thrill of a new experience, but rather “the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.” It develops over time and implies “care, responsibility, respect and knowledge”. You can check which of these traits you most need to practice by answering the following questions.

• How hard are you willing to work for that which you love?

• How responsive are you to the needs of the people and causes you love?

• To what extent do you allow yourself and others the freedom to be your true selves?

• How willing are you to discover the true essence of that which you love?

These questions are designed to help you assess the quality of your relationships by helping you identify your strengths and areas for improvement. 

Appreciate the power of giving

When you perceive love as being loved as opposed to giving love, you put yourself in a very fragile position. Regardless of how much you long for a lover to desire you; a child to appreciate you; or a client to praise you, you have no control over their feelings, thoughts or behaviour. Thus, you are powerless to affect the love you receive.

Conversely, giving love is entirely in your hands. When you give love, you choose the form you would like to give it in, when, how and to whom. You give from a place of self-worth and individuality. You trust you have value to offer and are motivated to contribute it to someone or something you believe in. Fromm describes giving as “the highest expression of potency”.

This quote implies that when you approach work with concern only for the value you may receive, you diminish your power; however, when you approach work with an attitude of giving love, you step into your power. You can elevate yourself to this position by asking yourself the following questions.

• What unique value do I have to offer?

• What value would I enjoy offering?

• Who or what do I wholeheartedly want to contribute my value to?

These questions encourage you to explore giving love as an intrinsically motivated and joyful experience, which preserves your individuality and invites a fair value exchange.

Approach love with a growth mindset

The art of loving is not mastered overnight; but developed over a lifetime. You will therefore benefit from cultivating a growth mindset — a belief in your ability to continually learn and improve — as you move towards doing work you truly love.

Your first port of call for improving your ability to form a loving relationship with work is to enhance your self-awareness. The questions provided above will help you bring awareness to your ability to love; however, they are fairly sophisticated. If you find them a bit tricky to answer at this stage, your best bet is to begin by building your emotional literacy.

Emotional literacy is the ability to notice and interpret feelings and needs. To assess your emotional literacy, you can ask yourself the following questions. 

• Do I notice the physical sensations that rise and fall in my body as I go about my day?

• Do I ask myself what these sensations are trying to tell me?

• Do I honour the messages offered by these sensations or suppress them?

Emotional literacy is the foundation for understanding yourself and others; stepping into your power; and forging loving relationships in all facets of life. If you would like support to forge a more loving and fulfilling relationship with work, please get in touch.

* You can learn more about motivation and harnessing your natural drive to pursue pleasure in the Dangerously Disciplined series in the Brain Snacks podcast.